No one told me about this part...

Well, okay, maybe they kinda did...but this worrying is unbelievable. I could not have even imagined this feeling before I had the girls. It consumes me sometimes, the fear that something bad will happen to my babies.

I don't mean worry that they aren't sleeping enough, or eating enough, or that their hair will never grow (I only worry about that when I'm feeling extra superficial). I mean real worry, a fear that something will happen to one, or even BOTH, of my children. The blog world is full of heartbreaking, tragic stories of parents surviving the nightmare of losing a child (or two). Before April 2, I ached when I read these stories, and sometimes shed tears for their pain. Since April 2, I can't help but picture my child, our family in those situations. It's absolutely heart-wrenching. I feel the pain with these parents now, and it's terrifying and exhausting. This week, little Matteo's story has really taken a toll on me. Before, I might have said I can't even imagine that kind of pain. Now, I can imagine, and that fear is more horrible than anyone can adequately describe.

I may seriously consider banning myself from watching Mystery Diagnosis, Dr G: Medical Examiner, or pretty much anything else on Discovery Health. And these heartbreaking blogs are killing me! Yet I still can't stop reading.

To explain a little further why all these thoughts are weighing so heavily on me this week, Mackenzie has a small knot on the side of her neck, just below her ear. We had an ultrasound done yesterday to determine what exactly it is, and we are going nuts waiting for the results. The doctor listed several things that it could possibly be, most of which are no big deal, so that helped a little. But oh my goodness, when it's your child, suddenly EVERY LITTLE THING is absolutely terrifying! Seriously, why didn't someone warn me??

When I was pregnant, I clung to the words of Matthew 6:34: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." But it is so, so much harder to give it up when it's not me I'm worried about, but her. I realize this is but the first of many trials I will have as a mom attempting to surrender control. After all, I'm NOT in control, not of anything really...He is.

Please pray with me that Mackenzie's knot truly is "no big deal."


  1. I'm a felllow twin mom and I'm praying for you and your little one... I'm sure it'll turn out to be fine... but I'm praying! I worry about everything too... all the time. It's not my favorite part of the job! Your girls are beautiful :)

  2. Keeping you & your precious baby in my prayers. I know what you mean - worrying should be my middle name!

  3. I completely understand! I read so many blogs that break my heart and tell of such sadness that I am constantly worrying that I am hearing all of this because it is His way of trying to prepare me for something that could happen to us.... and it terrifies me. Our little Bell's Palsy scare was awful and when the ER Dr. said that it could possibly a brain tumor or a stroke - I was losing my mind! (My husband told me just this morning that he really didn't like me reading all of these blogs because they stress me out and get me so upset.) The verse that you posted is such a comfort, thank you! I am praying for Mackenzie's bump to be "no big deal."

  4. Thanks, y'all...we truly appreciate it!!


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