Well, okay, maybe they kinda did...but this worrying is unbelievable. I could not have even imagined this feeling before I had the girls. It consumes me sometimes, the fear that something bad will happen to my babies.
I don't mean worry that they aren't sleeping enough, or eating enough, or that their hair will never grow (I only worry about that when I'm feeling extra superficial). I mean real worry, a fear that something will happen to one, or even BOTH, of my children. The blog world is full of heartbreaking, tragic stories of parents surviving the nightmare of losing a child (or two). Before April 2, I ached when I read these stories, and sometimes shed tears for their pain. Since April 2, I can't help but picture my child, our family in those situations. It's absolutely heart-wrenching. I feel the pain with these parents now, and it's terrifying and exhausting. This week, little Matteo's story has really taken a toll on me. Before, I might have said I can't even imagine that kind of pain. Now, I can imagine, and that fear is more horrible than anyone can adequately describe.
I may seriously consider banning myself from watching Mystery Diagnosis, Dr G: Medical Examiner, or pretty much anything else on Discovery Health. And these heartbreaking blogs are killing me! Yet I still can't stop reading.
To explain a little further why all these thoughts are weighing so heavily on me this week, Mackenzie has a small knot on the side of her neck, just below her ear. We had an ultrasound done yesterday to determine what exactly it is, and we are going nuts waiting for the results. The doctor listed several things that it could possibly be, most of which are no big deal, so that helped a little. But oh my goodness, when it's your child, suddenly EVERY LITTLE THING is absolutely terrifying! Seriously, why didn't someone warn me??
When I was pregnant, I clung to the words of Matthew 6:34: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." But it is so, so much harder to give it up when it's not me I'm worried about, but her. I realize this is but the first of many trials I will have as a mom attempting to surrender control. After all, I'm NOT in control, not of anything really...He is.
Please pray with me that Mackenzie's knot truly is "no big deal."