"But we're the SAME!"

Several months ago, I pondered how my children might begin to grasp the concept of their twinship.  I wondered if they knew that their relationship was different from other siblings' relationships, if they realized at all what it means to be a twin.

Since I wrote that post, a couple of incidents have shown me that while they might not know how different their situation is, Addison & Mackenzie are definitely developing an understanding of their relationship to one another. 

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The first incident occurred sometime over the summer.  The girls each had a sucker and Mackenzie's got stuck in her hair.  After working to untangle it with minimal damage, I told M we would have to throw her sucker away, since it was now covered in strands of hair.  Naturally, that didn't go over too well and she burst into tears.  I felt bad that she was so upset, but it was a learning experience about being careful with candy. 

At some point in her crying, Mackenzie began urging me to throw Addison's sucker away as well.  I explained that no, I wouldn't throw Addison's sucker away because she didn't have hair on hers, since she was handling it the right way.  After a few minutes of this conversation, Mackenzie exclaimed, "But we do the same things!!!"  She began repeating it over and over:  But we're the same!  We do the same things!

As astonished as I was at the direction that incident took, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for my girl.  Mackenzie is so accustomed to being treated the exact same way as her sister that she couldn't believe Addison could continue eating her sucker when she no longer had one. 

I just don't know exactly how to feel about that situation.  Proud that my girls are treated so equally that it's such a travesty when they don't get to do the exact same thing?  Glad that they have no concept of preferential treatment?  Or maybe a little sad that they see themselves as such a single unit that M really couldn't understand why I wouldn't make A throw her sucker away as well?  I've done a lot of thinking about the concept of individuality for my girls, and it seems I have a lot more to think about in this area!

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Another incident occurred on the way home from Mobile this past weekend.  When we stopped at a favorite shop in south Alabama, my mom let each of the girls pick out a toy.  They both chose small plush dogs that came stuffed inside a little carrying purse.  They each grabbed one quickly--Addison had a white dog and Mackenzie a brown one.  I pointed out several other options, including a precious monkey-in-a-purse, but all were quickly dismissed.  

Everything was great for a couple of hours after we resumed the drive home.  We removed the tags from the toys (though the saleslady couldn't believe we wanted the tags cut off...she was worried about preserving the authenticity...of the TOY my children couldn't wait to PLAY with.  I guess they're like beanie babies and lose their "value" once the tag is removed??) and the girls both fell asleep holding their new friends.  

Sometime after they woke up, Mackenzie decided she wanted to see Addison's dog.  Addison did not want to give hers up, even for a temporary swap, so we told Mackenzie she would have to settle for playing with her dog for the time being.  After some fussing, Mackenzie began insisting that they toys belonged to both her and Addison--"We share these doggies, right sissy?".  Jeremy, mom, and I reminded her again and again that they had each chosen the toy they wanted and Addison did not have to share hers if she didn't want to, nor did she (Mackenzie) have to share with Addison.  

Now, we have more toys than we know what to do with and there is virtually no sense of individual ownership between the girls.  It's not usually a big deal, since A & M switch between toys at the speed of light anyway, and more often than not, they are playing together happily.  There are a couple of items--a bear, a stuffed cat--that pretty much "belong" to one or the other of the girls, but for the most part, everything is joint property.  Still, it was kind of funny to hear M keep insisting that "these are both ours, right?", just waiting for someone to agree with her.  (We didn't.)

I had been thinking of ways that I might begin to give them some sense of ownership over certain items, maybe begin to encourage their different interests a bit, and yeah, the fuss over the sharing of the dogs reinforced that plan.  At the very least, I want to pick out a small gift for each girl at Christmas that will belong solely to her.  Not just a duplicate or slight variation of the same item, but a gift that has meaning for each of them, something that reflects an individual interest.  Now, just to figure out what those gifts might be...

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How much do your children share?  Do they have possessions of their own, or is it a free-for-all?  How do you encourage their different interests?

Monday

Monday and I have love-hate relationship.  On the one hand, it's Monday and ughhh, five long days until the weekend.  On the other hand, every Monday is a kind of a little gift in itself--a new week and a fresh slate.  Each Monday is a chance to make this week different from the last.  This week I will be productive, and finally catch up on at least one of the perpetual projects hanging over my head.

I started off with a very optimistic attitude this morning.  After rushing around non-stop last week, this one promises to be much calmer.  Vacation Bible School is over and Thursday was the last of the MDO summer session.  So basically, we have nothing at all going on this week, and I'm looking forward to it.  (Plus A & M are spending the night with Jeremy's parents on Tuesday night, giving me a glorious evening in a totally empty house!)

I have a few things in mind I would like to accomplish this week:
--Catch up on work early in the week and eradicate the stacks of files on my desk
--Get back on track with eating at home/eating more balanced meals after indulging a little too much this weekend; make another batch of crockpot black beans
--Catch up on laundry and perhaps find the bottom of our overstuffed clothes basket
--Get a little exercise, either yoga or jogging, at least once or twice this week
--Make at least a small dent in the clutter taking over this house

Sounds do-able, right?

Fast forward to 6:00 this evening when Addison & Mackenzie were bouncing off the walls, despite not having a nap today, and completely ignoring everything I said.  I was yelling way too much and still being totally ignored and my zen-like attitude was long gone.  Nothing I did or said (yelled) was having any effect on the girls and when I spanked Mackenzie's leg (for playing in the liquid soap after she got out of the bath), she laughed at me.  LAUGHED. 

I really, truly love age three, but some days the glimpses of the attitude and strong will in these girls terrifies me.  I feel like all I have done lately is yell, discipline, and explain how important it is that they learn to listen to Jeremy and me.  I've even pulled out the Jesus card--as in, "It makes Jesus really happy to see you respecting mama & daddy and doing what we ask you to do."  All to practically no avail.

Ah well, such is this parenting thing, I guess?  I imagine I will continue to yell and be ignored on a regular basis for at least the next seventeen years or so. 

We ended on a much calmer note, and the girls passed out cold on the couch at 7:55.  There is an upside to days without naps.  : )

My to-do list for the night has been reduced to the following:
--Publish this blog
--Fold one basket of laundry
--Watch Friday Night Lights and/or read in bed until I pass out myself

Sometimes adjustments have to be made for the sake of a mama's sanity!

How was your Monday?

Potty Talk: The Public Restroom Sagas

Quite awhile ago, I noticed that Addison & Mackenzie seemed to have a preference for doing their potty business at home.  Even back in the diaper days, they rarely needed a change if we were out in public.

Neither Jeremy nor I are fans of public restrooms, so the fact that our children seemed to inherently dislike them may have secretly delighted us.  We enjoyed so many fewer trips to germ-infested, perpetually-smelly bathrooms and changing stations during the girls' first couple of years.

Enter: potty training.

I have mentioned several times that A & M have unbelievably good control over their bodily functions.  These were never the children who got too caught up in their play and forgot to use the bathroom...they just had no problem holding it until they remembered they had to go.  We also didn't waste our time asking if they needed to go every thirty minutes; they go every few hours, at a maximum.

When the girls were potty trained, we realized their abhorrence of public restrooms was going to continue.  Great, I thought, less time hovering in a bathroom stall, trying to keep little hands from touching any surface!  Eventually, though, we realized that being out and about without diapers and with kids who would not or could not do their business in a public place could cause a few glitches in our on-the-go lifestyle.

We quickly learned to recognize the signs of a child needing to go potty.  Sitting in a restaurant, just after our food was served, Mackenzie might say, "I'm ready to go home."  We would explain that we just got our food, everyone was still eating, blah, blah, blah....until it finally dawned on someone to say, "OH, do you need to use the bathroom?"  Now, I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy being rushed through my meal by a three-year old who just wants to go home so she can use her OWN potty.  I'm sympathetic to that tendency--really, I am--but I have my limits. 

We realized we couldn't drop what we were doing and run home every time someone needed to go potty.  And what about the times we were out all day long?  What about car trips and vacation?  At times when we were out for extended periods of time, the girls were pushing even their limits to "hold it", which I knew could not be healthy.  It was time to get over the public restroom hurdle.

I started encouraging the girls to try to go when we were out somewhere.  From the time they were potty trained, they would usually agree to go try, but it was usually a short-lived and fruitless effort.  They were scared of the loud flush, or the hand dryer, or any number of other little things that couldn't be helped.  I don't really know what I did differently--maybe I display more enthusiasm and less disdain for the bathrooms?  I do remember encouraging the girls to flush the potties themselves, even when they were loud (and despite those germy handles!) and to laugh over the roar to show that they weren't afraid.  I remember one day specifically, in a Target bathroom, where it really seemed to click for them and they started showing much less fear of the flush and even used the hand dryer.  Major goal achieved!

Since that day, the girls have used many, many restrooms.  They are no longer timid and afraid, and like most curious three-year olds, they now probably request to potty more when we are out somewhere than they do at home.  As my mom says, it's the stage of checking out every bathroom in the tri-state area. 

But you know what?  I'll take it.  We aren't having to stress about making sure the girls go before leaving home, knowing it will be hours before we return.  We don't have to rush through meals to get home to our bathroom.  I might have to trek across the restaurant once or twice, but I can handle that.  Conquering this fear of public restrooms has made our lives so much easier, and for that, I will brave the germs.

Pass the hand soap, please!

The concept of being a twin

Question:  How do you teach twins about the concept of being a twin?

What I mean is, how do twins learn they are different from other siblings?  Not in a super-special-twin-relationship kind of way.  I mean literally, how do you teach them what it means to be a twin?

I never thought much at all about this topic until well after the girls were born.  I think we hear so much about the "twin bond" that it's easy to forget they won't just know they are twins, together from the very beginning.  I know with my girls I very rarely use the word "twin", so I don't believe it even entered their vocabulary until the last several months.  Jeremy and I, along with most of our family and friends, refer to Addison and Mackenzie as "the girls" most often.

I know I have told them they grew in my tummy at the same time.  I have even pointed out which of them was positioned on each side of my tummy--which they think is hilarious.  I have told them they are twins and tried to explain it a little, but I really don't know if they get it yet.  I wonder now if they noticed that the kids in their MDO class don't have a sibling to hang out with at school?  (I watched the DVD of pictures from the school year, and I was a little surprised to see A & M together, or at least very near one another, in most of the playtime pictures.  It makes me happy, in a way, to see that they choose to play together.)

I know they realize that all babies don't come in a set of two.  Addison & Mackenzie have grown up with their buddy Wyatt from the very beginning.  He now has a little sister and I know they realize she is a baby and Wyatt is not.  But I don't know that they see any difference in their own situation.

Not that I mind any of this...really, I don't!  I never want to over-emphasize their twinship, or make my girls feel like they are just one of a "set".  I myself don't forget about the "twin" aspect at times, especially as they grow into their own little personalities and I try to figure out what each of them needs from me the most.  It's just interesting to think about them trying to learn the concept of being a multiple. 

It was only recently that I heard the girls use the term "twin" for the first time.  We were at a local airshow, checking out the rows of airplanes.  One of the girls pointed to a pair of planes (I can't even particularly remember if they looked alike or not) and said, "Hey, they're twins... Twin planes!" 

A few weeks ago, the girls were having trouble falling asleep at bedtime and each wanted me to rock them--separately.  They were crying brokenheartedly, one in my lap and one at my feet.  I pointed out that there was only one of me for the two of them, but they weren't really in the mood for rationality at the time.  Finally, I just scooped them both up and said "It's hard being a twin sometimes, isn't it?"  Poor little Mackenzie quickly agreed--yes, it's hard.

Incidents like that most certainly happen often even between siblings who are not twins, but sometimes I do feel bad that Addison & Mackenzie don't know what it's like to not share everything.  Being a twin is a concept that they probably will not fully understand for quite awhile.  And I'm sure there will be plenty of times when they feel like being a twin is unfair in some ways.  Regardless, I hope the benefits of their unique bond far outweigh any negatives, and I will do everything in my power to make sure that happens.

I mean, it takes a special bond to sleep like this, right?

Do your twins know they are twins?  How do you explain it to them?

Down with Pacifiers, Part 2

Last time I mentioned trying to convince the girls they were ready to give up their pacis, we didn't really know what our plan was going to be. 

We debated taking them away at Christmas, maybe leaving them for Santa to "pick up" when he delivered their new toys.  Ultimately, we decided against that, not wanting them to have memories of Santa "taking" their pacis.  It was sometime around Christmas, though, that we started talking up the idea that once they turned three in a few months, they would have to give up their pacis. 

On that last post, my friend Laura Beth reminded me what I'd read about her experiences helping her daughter give up the paci.  I liked their approach--talking about it for months ahead of time so it comes as no surprise, and getting a gift in return.  Because we have waited so long to fight this battle, I felt that talking it through with A & M would help them grasp the concept that we weren't taking the pacifier away just because we wanted to, but because they were growing up.

We picked Addison & Mackenzie's third birthday, April 2, as THE day.  We talked it up for months, casually mentioning every so often that once they turned three, they would be big girls and no longer need the pacis. Addison particularly latched onto the "big girl" idea, and would often tell us that when she was "free" (three!), she would be a big girl and not need a paci anymore. 

In the weeks preceding their birthday, I noticed Mackenzie getting especially demanding for her paci.  She has not had one in the car in more than a year, but she started asking for the old one in the cupholder.  I let her have it, figuring she was getting in her last little bit of time with her beloved paci.  Addison may have actually backed off on her devotion to her paci in the last few weeks before her birthday, so maybe the talking thing helped her.

I decided that the night before their birthday would be the night we left the pacis out for the "Paci Fairy" (ridiculous, I know).  It was the evening of their birthday party, and I knew my girls would be exhausted. 

The exhaustion may very well have worked against me, because both girls WAILED when we told them it was time to leave the pacis on the coffee table.  I expected most of it, but it was heartbreaking.  We rocked and sang and read, and still they wailed on.  Mackenzie was particularly inconsolable, and I was actually afraid she was going to make herself sick.  I wanted to cry myself!  Finally, in a moment of desperation, I bargained with the girls that they could have their pacis to fall asleep, but that I would sneak in before morning and leave the pacis for the paci fairy.  I emphasized over and over that when they woke the next morning, there would be no pacifier. 

In retrospect, I probably should have waited until the night of their actual birthday to institute this life change (sorry again, girls!).  To be quite honest, the morning of their birthday SUCKED for all of us.  We had planned to go to the Nashville Zoo, and at one point, I thought we weren't going to make it.  (Although I was determined I was NOT going to stay home all day with whining, crying children!)  Even the present from the paci fairy had little to no effect on their attitudes.  Addison very seriously told us she wanted a gun for her birthday (???), so the paci fairy delivered two pretty cool Nerf guns:

Eventually, after much sobbing from the girls and many declarations on my part that I was sorry, but the pacis would NOT be coming back, we were able to take off for the zoo.

The day itself went pretty well, with only Mackenzie's angry grunts at me when she was overtired on the way home (Jeremy remarked that he was pretty sure she was cursing at me, she just doesn't know the right words yet!).  And surprisingly, most days since then have been pretty much okay.  Sometimes they are just whiny and won't really say why, but I'm sure it's partly due to the pacis.  Occasionally Mackenzie will say she wants a paci, but we just gently remind her that they are all gone.  

The part of this whole ditching-the-paci thing that worried Jeremy and me the most was bedtime.  The girls have always been great sleepers, and sleep is not something we take for granted in our house.  To be quite honest, we were a little bit petrified to mess with the formula.  To my astonishment, bedtime has not been nearly the drama-fest I imagined.  If M is going to whine about her paci, it is pretty much either after nap or first thing in the morning.  It has hardly been mentioned at bedtime at all!  AND there have been no more nighttime wakings than usual.  Sometimes it takes a little longer to get the girls settled for bed, which I largely attribute to the vast increase in talking and singing we have seen since ditching the pacis, but I can deal with that.  (Just to be clear, my kids talked plenty before--the pacis certainly never deterred them--but without them to work around, they are absolutely unstoppable.  They talk and sing from morning until night.  It's pretty great!)

Overall, I guess I would say we had a fairly good experience getting rid of the pacifiers.  It certainly could have been worse.  Would it have been easier a year ago?  Maybe in some ways...but then again, I got LOTS of extra peace and quiet by keeping them, so I won't say that was a mistake.  : )

I am just glad to be over this hurdle.  My girls are potty trained, eat and drink everything we do, can put on their own shoes, and have no pacis.  Does this mean they really ARE big girls now??  Waaahhhh!  It happens so quickly in the grand scheme of things, doesn't it?

Oh, wait, they still sleep in cribs...that means they're not all grown up yet!  The beds will be our next big step, but I wanted to get fully adjusted from the paci ordeal before we even considered a bed change.  (We plan to just take off the front of the crib and use it as a toddler/daybed for the foreseeable future.)

Have you switched to toddler beds (or big-kid beds) yet?  How did that go?  Prepare me!

Drama, Drama, Drama

There are so many things about this stage with the girls that I absolutely love.  We feel more free to go and do things than any other time in the past three years, and we take advantage of that freedom.  Addison and Mackenzie are stinkin' hilarious, and the quality of our conversations is almost unbelievable.  I would not trade these days for anything that has been or is to come, as most of them are just magical.

But...

I think we are also beginning to experience some of the attitudes and emotions that come with age three (even though we won't be there officially for another two months!).

I have heard many people say that the twos were so bad, but three is the age you really have to watch out for.  (In fact, my friend Mandy was lamenting this fact just the other night...)  Honestly, part of me thought how bad can it really be?  I have survived two newborns, two screaming and hungry infants, many sleepless nights, and two rounds of potty training.  Surely I can handle a bit of attitude, right?

I am quickly realizing that "a bit of attitude" might be a pretty major understatement, and that we just might have our hands more than full for the next, oh, EIGHTEEN years or so.  The drama in this house during the past week alone has wrecked me.  I am finding myself far too short-tempered, and I have done more yelling than is ever necessary.  And the thing is, my little darlings have an uncanny ability to completely and totally tune out my every word.  Their intentional obliviousness makes me furious, and I end up yelling for real, which hurts their feelings and leaves me feeling both mad and ashamed.

I told Jeremy today that I am so OVER his not being home at night, which is unfair to him, but is the absolute truth this week.  I know it wouldn't solve everything, but some nights I just need another adult to make me feel a little more sane.  I can only handle so many bouts of whining and fighting over every little thing.  And the unreasonable and never-ending demands...it would definitely be nice to have some help in answering and/or dissuading those.  Mostly, though, it would be nice to have Jeremy home because he is so much more patient with the girls than I am.  When he is around, I can step back when I need to and let him take charge while I cool off.  When it's just me, it is too easy to fall into the pattern of fuss/yell/guilt.

Though I really do hope that Jeremy's job will soon change in a way that will allow him to be home at night, I realize that the issue lies primarily with me.  Attitude and emotion are going to be part of parenting girls, at all stages.  I come from a family of strong-willed women, so I should expect nothing less from Addison & Mackenzie.  Really, I would not have it any other way, as I happen to think the strong-willed women in my life are nothing short of amazing.  I just have to find a better way of managing my own attitude and remember that I am the primary model for the girls' behavior.

At this age, when things are good, they are great, but when things are not so good, we all quickly turn into a royal mess.  I am going to try my best to make sure I am doing my part to minimize those less-than-great times.  When those difficult moments inevitably come around, I will try to react in a way that improves the situation, rather than increasing the tension of it.  I hope, as we ALL learn to manage our emotions a little better, this stage will stop feeling so daunting.  Because tonight, I am exhausted.

But these girls?  Oh so worth it.

Is the attitude rearing its head at your house yet?  Any tips for managing it??  (In other words, should I just go ahead and take up drinking now?)

Down with Pacifiers

When Addison and Mackenzie were born, I was fanatical about some things (sleeping, feeding, routine), but relatively laid-back about others.  One thing I was very relaxed about was the use of pacifiers.  I was NOT one of the mothers hoping my babies wouldn't get attached to them; rather, I had the attitude of if it gets me more peace and quiet...let 'em have it!

And boy, did my girls get attached to their pacis.

We didn't use them in the hospital, but I remember on the first night home, after I had dozed for a few minutes, my mom told me that she and Jeremy had opened a package of pacifiers, sterilized them, and given them to the girls.  At that moment in time, it was a blessing.  I remember how HUGE those first pacis looked against the girls' tiny faces.

Their little heads slowly caught up in size, and the attachment to the pacifiers grew stronger.  We were so proud when A & M learned to maneuver their pacis back in their mouths by themselves.  Reaching into the backseat to retrieve a lost pacifier a dozen times a day got really old.  And, oh, when they learned to find the pacis in their bed at night...life got so much easier!

But now, two and a half years later, I am ready to kiss the pacis goodbye.  They have served their purpose, and I am now over it.  We have tried multiple times to cut the pacifiers except for bedtime, but we have not been very successful so far.  The girls have not had them at all at school this year, including for naps, and I thought that would help us at home, but it really hasn't.  My mom reports that on some days, the first thing the girls do when she picks them up from school is request a paci.  And of course, they each only want a certain paci, in a certain shape, size, and color...so we have to keep up with the same two pacis all the time.  Ridiculousness!

I will admit that I have been willing to take the easy route and just hand over the paci when they get whiny and start demanding it....but I have just about reached my limit.  I am sick of pictures like this:

I want to see my girls' faces without a paci in the way! 

Ugh, how I dread fighting the fight though.  The whining and begging may very well drive me insane.  It's got to happen sometime, and I have a feeling it wouldn't be much easier in six months.  The potty training has stalled for the time being (thanks for the great comments on that post, by the way...it helps to know we are not alone!), so maybe now is the time to go ahead and focus on ditching the pacis?

We have thrown around a few cute ideas/rewards for giving them up, the most appealing of which is taking a trip to the zoo, then leaving all our pacis for the baby animals who "need" them.  I just don't know...it's going to be rough any way we go about it, I have a feeling.  I can feel myself getting more and more ready mentally, and that's at least half the fight, I think.

Any ideas for me??  If you've fought the paci fight, how did you do it?  Anyone want to take my kids for about two weeks and bring them home paci-free??

Potty training may be the death of me

I swore to myself a long time ago that I would NOT stress out about potty training.  I would not get all worked up trying to get them to train on my schedule, and I wouldn't rush the process.  Other milestones have been relatively easy for us, so I thought if I just let it happen in its own time, surely potty training would be too.

To which I now say:  HAAAAAAAAA.

I realize that A & M are still relatively young; there are lots of kids who are not potty trained at two and a half.  I'm still choosing not to stress and still trying to believe that the girls will use the potty when they're ready. 

See, the thing is, I think they ARE ready...they just don't want to do it.

The girls have an interest in wearing "big-girl panties" and they seem to be tired of wearing diapers (they fuss about the diaper fitting wrong, etc.).  They know all about the process of using the potty, and Mackenzie had a day or two last week when she went and was excited about it.  The biggest sign that tells me they are physically ready, though, is the fact that their diapers are staying dry so often and so consistently.

Both girls wake up every single morning with dry diapers...and they sleep an average of twelve hours a night!  They hold it several hours at a time during the day, often not even needing a diaper change during school hours.  Mackenzie especially will tell us when she pees, and will often demand a new diaper immediately. 

Even with all these signs, and even with the offer of nearly any treat imaginable...they STILL don't even want to talk about using the potty.  And if they happen to be in panties and need to poop, forget it...they are going to beg for a diaper.  Ahhhhhh, so frustrating!!  They're ready physically, but not mentally, I guess?

So what should I do?  Is it time for a potty-training boot camp, where I just throw out the diapers and spend a few days letting them feel the consequences of not using the potty?  (I feel like Mackenzie is even closer to being ready than Addison...she even wore panties overnight and stayed dry one time last week...so I'm not opposed to doing it one at a time.)

Ideas?  Opinions?  Suggestions?

Help me!!

On Fostering Individuality in Twins

I have been thinking a lot lately about how to encourage Addison and Mackenzie's sense of individuality.  The issue seems to be one that most twin parents think about at one time or another, whether their twins are fraternal or identical, but as a mom of identical girls, it is especially important to me that they are not always seen as "the twins" or treated like a carbon copy of one another.

There is a book we read often at bedtime, Just in Case You Ever Wonder, that tells a child how special they are and how their parents and God will always love them and take care of them.  There is a passage that says something like this...

If you looked all over the world, in every home, there would be no one like you.  No one with your eyes, no one with your mouth, no one with your laugh...

 It's always at this part that I wonder when one of the girls will begin to realize that someone does have her eyes, nose, and mouth?  I put emphasis on the "laugh" part, because that's one very distinct feature between the girls.  (I should point out that their eyes and mouths actually look pretty different to me too...but other people aren't going to notice it, and I know they are going to grow up hearing comments about how they look just alike.)

I know the girls don't (and hopefully won't ever!) understand that some people may see it as a disadvantage that they had to share everything, including their looks, from the moment they entered this world.  I hope, I hope, I hope that they see it as a distinct advantage...they will always have someone around to talk to or play with...they will always have a friend close by and someone to take their side. And after all, they won't understand what it's like not to have to share everything with 'sissy'; it's just a fact of life for them.

Still, I want to make sure my girls know that I love them equally and individually.  I don't love them more or less because they're twins; I love them each for exactly WHO they are.  I want to make sure we allow the opportunity and encouragement for each of them to pursue the things they are interested in and to find what makes them happy, regardless of whether or not it is the same thing her sister enjoys.  If one loves dance and the other loves gymnastics...wonderful!  If they both love music and want to learn to play an instrument...equally wonderful!  

I guess what I'm saying is that I want them to come to the determination of who they are and who they want to be without necessarily regarding their twinship.  Yes, their twin bond will undoubtedly influence them throughout their lives, and that's awesome...I just want to be sure that it doesn't define them.

My sister sent me this on Pinterest that I think kind of sums up my feelings on the issue.  I'm thinking of printing this quote and framing it for their bedroom...kind of a mantra of sorts:

Source: etsy.com via Deanna on Pinterest

This is just a start on this broad subject that I'm sure will be present in my thoughts for many, many years.  But I'm curious...Have you thought about how to foster individuality in your twins?  How do you plan to handle it in your family?

Brick Wall

As hilarious and loving as my sweet girls are, age two certainly has its moments.  There are times when I honestly feel like I would have more success talking to a brick wall than I do talking to them.  I repeat myself over and over with no results, and it's maddening. 

It has kind of reached a peak this weekend, and I am so over it.  I had to spank Mackenzie's leg in the bathtub tonight for not sitting down when I told her to, and she leaned over and laughed at me.  SHE LAUGHED IN MY FACE, y'all.  What can I even do about that?!  I had to sit back and take a few deep breaths before I could even continue the bath. 

I do feel the need to say that my children are normally very well-behaved.  We get compliments on their behavior and pleasant demeanor all the time (and I love it!).  Honestly, bath time is the most trying process for any of us.  That is the only time they consistently get into trouble and refuse to listen to me.  We have had a few "pick up that toy/cup/book" arguments, but generally, those are easily manageable and quickly resolved.

Nonetheless, I am on a mission to find this book soon and see what I can learn about this discipline stuff.  Any other suggestions?  How do you handle toddler disobedience?

Two going on Thirteen

My girls are super-excited about singing and dancing these days.  They loved "dancing" with the big kids at Vacation Bible School and even got up in front of the crowd at church last Sunday to perform with the other children.  We have also been watching The Wizard of Oz and other shows/movies with lots of music. 

Of course, like any good music-lovin' mama, I encourage my babies to sing and dance their little hearts out.  I sing their favorite songs so they can show off their dance moves, and I encourage them to wail out Somewhere Over the Rainbow, even though it currently only consists of "soooommmmeeerrrr overrrr booowww " over and over.  It's accompanied by the cutest little dramatic arm movements, which is just adorable.

But last week, the inevitable happened.  We were riding in the car, singing along to one of the kids' song CDs, when Mackenzie suddenly stopped and commanded me, "Stop singing, Mama!" 

Excuse me, what?! 

At first I laughed, sure that she was just being silly.  A few bars later, she said it again, more loudly this time:  "Stop singing, Mama!"

I pretended to be hurt, but I immediately called Jeremy to laugh with him about it.  I am by no means a good singer, but surely that can't matter to my two-year-old.  At least I get the words right, which is more than I can say for her (or her father, for that matter).

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A few nights later, the girls and I were watching The Wizard of Oz before bedtime.  I, of course, was joining them in singing along to our favorite songs.  We had reached a point in the munchkin song when A & M felt the urge to jump up off the couch and perform along with the characters on tv.  I was laughing and singing along with them, when Mackenzie stopped, turned to look at me, and sternly said, "Don't sing it, Mama".  I tried again and was quickly admonished by both my children. 

Point taken, girls.  I will now ask politely if I can join in your singing and dancing fun.  I would hate to offend you, after all.

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As many parents do, I'm sure, I spend a good deal of time trying to imagine what Addison and Mackenzie might be like in the future.  I wonder if they will like to play dress-up and princess or if they will prefer to be outside riding bicycles and playing in the dirt.  I wonder if they will love reading and school like I did, or if they will tolerate classes just to get to see their friends and participate in sports like their daddy did.  I wonder if they will be each other's best friend or if they will begin to prefer the company of others more often.

(For the record, any of those options will be fine with me.  I want my girls to know that they are free to be whoever they want to be, and that I will love them the same, no matter what!)

I also sometimes imagine, and yes, expect, that there will probably come a point in time when my girls don't think their mama is the greatest thing in the world.  They will not always want to hug and kiss me in public; they won't want me to run and pick them up when they fall, smothering their faces with kisses; and they won't always want to copy my every move.  I am prepared for the notion that one day, my girls will find me extremely uncool and maybe even embarrassing and annoying.

However, I am NOT ready for that time to come at age TWO.

Playground Etiquette

We are finally all feeling better, after a bout with the stomach virus for all of us last week.  I survived my first puke-in-the-middle-of-the-night episode and even managed to bathe Addison and change the crib sheets without waking Mackenzie.  Luckily, it was a relatively short-lived virus this time.

The weather was beautiful this weekend, and we spent most of Saturday outside.  I was supposed to walk a 5K with friends, but after being sick on Friday I was afraid I didn't have the strength to make it through the whole thing.  I needed to pick out birthday invitations for the girls, so Addison and I took a shopping trip while Mackenzie helped her daddy clean out his workshop.  It was nice for each of us to get some individual time with our girls, and Addison was a great shopping buddy!  We spent the afternoon riding cars, blowing bubbles, playing in the sandbox, swinging, and enjoying the sunshine.


Yesterday, after our Sunday afternoon naps, we decided to go to the park.  The one closest to our house has a nice playground, but it is usually pretty crowded on sunny weekend afternoons.  Jeremy and I favor one in town, where there is almost never anyone else playing.  It is nice having all the swings to ourselves!  I thought the girls could benefit from a little peer interaction, though, so we decided to go to the big one close to the house.

Now, I try very hard not to be a nervous, overprotective mother who is always hovering in the background to prevent my babies from getting into trouble, but at the playground, it's a different story.  A & M are fairly small for their age and can't manage the playground equipment very well.  Eventually, I am sure I will be one of those moms sitting in the shade, watching my girls play happily.  But right now, Jeremy and I hover nearby, making sure they don't step off the platform or fall off the stairs to the slide.

That's where my question comes in...when do you intervene if another child is being rude to your child?  I try to make A & M move on if there are other children waiting for the slide or the see saw, which doesn't happen often.  But sometimes kids want to play around them and get a little rough for my taste.  For instance, there was a little boy playing on the slide and jungle gym at the same time as the girls.  He was maybe four, but was easily three times their size.  I was moving Mackenzie from looking up the front of the tunnel slide and I asked the boy to wait before he slid so he wouldn't kick her.  The boy replied something to the effect of "I'll slide when I want to" and came barreling down the slide, just as I yanked M out of the way.  She narrowly missed being kicked in the face by the kid's cowboy boots (who the heck lets their kid wear cowboy boots to the park, anyway?).

We moved on to play with something else to escape the little punk (sorry, but that's how I felt about him!), but it really made me wonder about playground etiquette.  What are the accepted social behaviors there?  Was I okay in asking him to please not climb over my children to get to the slide?  Should we just stick to the empty park from now on?  What are your rules??

Almost Two

As Addison and Mackenzie near their second birthday, I can't help but think about those trying times often referred to as the terrible twos.  Now, from many mothers ahead of me in this parenting game, I am hearing that age three can be even worse, but let's cross that bridge when we get there, shall we?

My sister was a very strong-willed (okay, stubborn) child.  She still is, but it has become a much more flattering trait as she has matured into a convicted and determined young lady.  Being six years older, I can remember much of her toddler stages.  I remember many of the tantrums, the sassiness, and seeing my mom have her patience tried day after day.  My family used to say that Laura hit the terrible twos at a year old and didn't outgrow them until kindergarten.  (We joke, of course...my sister may have been a handful, but she was never what you might call a problem child.  Our issues as children were very mild compared to what many families experience.  We still tease Laura about things she did as a child, but she knows we love her beyond measure.)

I have found myself wondering more and more what these upcoming stages might hold for my own girls. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't at least a bit fearful of the tantrums, attitude, and drama that might be awaiting us in the next couple of years.  My children come from two admittedly strong-willed parents and have already made it quite clear that they will have their own opinions about every detail of life...which they should.  I am quite glad to be raising tiny girls with big personalities who are clear about what they want in this world. 

I might just need to remind myself of this fact when we are in the middle of a face-melting tantrum over which room we will play in for the next thirty minutes.  (Example from yesterday afternoon:  one child wants to slide in the playroom while the other wants to cook in the living room.  They both want me in the room at all times.  Clearly, one child will be disappointed in this scenario.  Wailing ensues.)

For now, I am enjoying the stage my girls are in...talking more and more without knowing how to talk back to me yet, learning new things without causing too much mischief, and still able to be deterred by a coloring project or blowing bubbles.  I have this lingering feeling that things could change any day!

Have you dealt with the terrible twos yet?  Do you fear them like I do?

Sleepless

Mackenzie was sick with a fever this weekend, and sometime Saturday night, Addison decided to join in the fun as well.  It was obvious that Addison did not feel as bad as Mackenzie did, but nonetheless, she was up and down all night with the rest of us. 

Around three a.m., as Jeremy and I sat on the couch, each holding a fidgeting, unhappy baby, I thought, There is absolutely no way we are ever having another baby.  Yes, I think it's safe to say that we had flashbacks to the worst of our first few weeks home with the girls. 

After a night of maybe three cumulative hours of restless sleep, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself on Sunday.  All four of us dragged around in the morning, doing the best we could with what sleep we had.  Mackenzie still seemed to feel awful (no idea what was wrong, other than a fever hovering around 100-102), but Addison was not quite as puny so she went to my mom's for awhile.  With the parent-child ratio at 2:1, Jeremy and I were both able to squeeze in a decent nap.

Still feeling like we had been through a night of sleep-deprivation torture, I voiced my no more children platform to Jeremy, who quickly agreed.  (We aren't completely serious, by the way, and I do plan to address our thoughts on future children one of these days...)

Although Mackenzie is still weak and drained from her whatever-it-was illness, last night was blissfully near normal.  With a much clearer head, I was thinking how spoiled we are with our good-sleeping babies that just a couple of nights of broken sleep left us feeling all out of sorts. 

Today I read this article, about a lady whose two-year-old quite literally doesn't sleep, and I felt downright silly for complaining about a coupld of nights.  My girls are pretty awesome, and their sleeping patterns are just one tiny part of what makes them so downright amazing.

What was your worst night of sleep with your kids?  Saturday night was probably the closest to our first night home from the hospital, which still holds the title of WORST NIGHT of (no) sleep ever.  Seriously, think about your worst sleep experience, then go read the article above and count your blessings.  : )

Sisters

I spend a lot of time imagining what my girls might be like in the future.  I dream about the days when they start playing games together...I can just hear them bossing each other around while playing 'school', arguing over who gets to be the teacher.  I think about all the things they will do together: first day of school, gymnastics classes, learning to ride bikes.

Looking a little further down the road, I think about the secrets they will share.  I imagine whispered conversations about friends and boys and giggles over inside jokes.  Obviously, it won't be fun and happiness all the time...how can it be with two girls the same age living under the same roof and sharing so many things?  I am sure there will be fights over toys, then clothes and shoes, and probably over those same friends and boys they'll whisper about in the night.  Yes, mama and daddy might need a drink a little stronger than Diet Dr. Pepper to get through those times!

Beyond imagining what Addison and Mackenzie might be like, I also spend quite a bit of time praying for them.  I pray they will be strong, happy, smart, and independent girls.  I pray they will be confident in who they are, and that they will achieve whatever it is they might want in this life.  I pray they will make good choices and have good hearts.  I pray they will love God and want to follow Him.  I am still learning exactly how to pray for my girls, but basically, I want the things we all want for our kids...  Good, happy lives, with as little pain as possible.

One thing I spend a lot of time thinking/worrying/praying about has surprised me a little bit...  I desperately hope that Addison and Mackenzie want to be friends.  That may sound a little strange, as I think we tend to assume our twins (maybe especially twins of the same sex?) will love each other dearly and probably always be the best of buddies.  But that could very easily not be the case. 

I grew up with a set of twin boys who were about as different as boys could be.  One was loud and uninhibited, a class clown who was on the football team and was always in the middle of the action.  His brother was quiet and more studious, a nice boy that was hard to know much about because he kept to himself a lot.  They were so different, you would almost never guess they were twins unless you knew them personally.  I was pretty good friends with one of these boys in high school, and I can safely say that they did not spend a lot of time sharing secrets and hanging out together.  If I recall correctly, they spent very little time together and may not have had much of a "friendship" at all beyond their sibling relationship.  Now, as adults, these twins are much closer and have a (seemingly) great relationship...but I still remember thinking how hard it would be having a twin in the same class and hardly speaking to them at all.

The 10-year-old identical twin girls who live across the street from us seem to be going through a distant period right now.  The girls are often found with another girl in the neighborhood, although it often seems one of the twins is tagging behind the other two or off doing her own thing.  She's a little quieter lately, and I just wonder if she's feeling left out.

I realize this is all going to be part of the experience of raising twins, but I just really, really want my girls to love each other, be nice to each other,  be there for each other, and hopefully, genuinely like each other.  Even with all the things they are going to have to share in their lives, I hope they never, ever resent being twins.  More than that, I hope they like it and feel lucky to have a friend/sister who is always there.

Am I being too idealistic in these hopes for my girls?  Do you think about these stages with your twins?  Is there anything we can do to foster their relationship?  I realize there are likely no clear answers to these questions, and that most of us here are figuring these things out as we go, but I'm interested to hear what you think.  Kristi, I am particularly interested in hearing your thoughts on this subject, as a twin yourself.  Anything you're doing differently with your girls?  Enlighten us!

The Enforcer

The Enforcer...it sounds like a pro wrestler, right?  Actually, it's my new nickname for Mackenzie. 

She is so funny right now, repeating everything we say.  Even if the words don't come out right, she has the tone perfected.  In the bathtub tonight, I kept telling Addison, "No, no, no", and shaking my finger at her for letting the water out of the tub.  Mackenzie, my little helper, mimicked everything I did...down to shaking her own finger and saying "no, no, noooo" to her sister.  (Addison blocked us both out completely, by the way.)

It was pretty freaking cute, until I had to pop Addison's hand because she would not stop draining the water.  What did my little enforcer do?  She started hitting Addison's back!  Oops...

This scenario actually brings up a problem I have been going over in my head for quite sometime.  How exactly am I going to discipline these girls??

The way I see it, there are a few general methods of discipline at this age:  spanking, time-outs, and redirection are the main three that come to mind for me.  I am not necessarily opposed to any of these methods in theory, but I'm not sure what is going to work for our family either.  Discipline, like so many other parenting decisions, is definitely a personal family choice.  What works for one family may not suffice for another.

I have tried a very basic form of time-outs on occasion with the girls.  Last weekend, when Mackenzie was pushing Addison down in the front yard (!), I made Mackenzie sit beside me on the ground for a minute or so.  Eventually, she stopped pushing Addison and  moved on to scooping handfuls of mulch out of the flower beds...so I guess it was really a combination time-out/redirection.  At this stage, I think that's the method I lean toward most often.  Sometimes it works better than others, and as they get a little bigger and can better understand some simple reasoning, I will do more of the time-out, with an explanation of why they're having to sit out.

At times, though, distraction or time-outs are just NOT going to work.  Those are the times I tend to turn to spanking (in the form of a light swat on the hand or leg, or sometimes a pinch on the inner leg).  When they are touching something they are not supposed to be (the stove!), or when they have repeatedly been told to stop doing something (usually getting in the dvd cabinet), I use the swat or pinch to make it clear that it has to stop. 

However, the incident in the tub tonight reinforced my hesitancy to use spanking at this young stage for the girls.  I know that with two toddlers, hitting and fighting between themselves is going to be an issue at times.  How do I teach them that it's not okay to hit, if I'm spanking them to reinforce it??  The experts say that whatever you do, just be consistent, which we am not doing very well.  I have sort of been picking a method on a case-by-case basis, varying according to the situation, and I think that will probably continue until we figure out what works best for the girls (and us).  Maybe I won't warp them too badly before we figure it out!  : )

What works for your family?  Have you figured out your method of discipline yet?  I am especially curious about discipline if you have young toddlers, or what you did when your kids were this age.

Please share, and rest assured.... I think there is a pretty non-judgmental group of readers here, so don't be afraid to tell us what works for you!



We might be in trouble...

Since she was a tiny little 5 lb. thing, I have called Addison my "Little Addison".  She was a bit smaller than Mackenzie for quite awhile, and she has just always seemed a little more petite and delicate.  While Mackenzie will gladly stand in the middle of a room full of our family and perform all her little tricks to make us laugh, Addison is more likely to stand quietly on the sidelines, watching intently until she's ready to step up and copy her sister.  Because of this little delicate nature, I have felt a bit more protective of Addison at times.

Sweet and innocent, right?

Well...

I'm thinking she is starting to outgrow the shy and delicate aspects of her personality. 

Little Addison is proving more and more lately that there is nothing "little" about either her personality or her lungs.  She doesn't use any words consistently yet, but she sure can use that little pointer finger to indicate what she wants.  If you misunderstand or, heaven forbid, deny her what she wants, watch out.  Little Addison has learned to throw the mother-of-all tantrums. 

At 15 months, my child can throw a temper tantrum that alternately makes me want to burst into tears or giggle uncontrollably.  (What?  You don't get the urge to laugh when your toddler is face down on the floor in a pool of snot and tears because her sister has the pink sippy cup she wants?  Is that just me?)  I'm not talking about just any old breakdown that toddlers have when they're overtired, agitated, or seeking attention.  I am talking about an all-out, limp-bodied, red-faced, tears-streaming FIT.  She throws her hands around, hitting anything in her way (me, herself, the wall, etc.), and generally just ends up face-down on the floor, screaming her little heart out.  THIS IS NOT A LEARNED BEHAVIOR...the girls are generally only around other kids at church and I don't know of much tantrum-throwing going on in the nursery there.

Seriously, though, is this normal for 15 months?  I expected it at two, sure...and I've heard the threes are even worse than the twos for a lot of kids.  But 15 months?  Are you kidding me?!  If there is this much drama now, what will it be like when she is two or three?  I need a good, strong drink just thinking about it...and I don't even drink! 

Like many new parents, and especially parents of multiples, I spent most of the first year just trying to get through the day.  It's just now really starting to sink in that these are little people I am raising.  The things we do now will shape their attitudes and actions forever...the way we parent them now will affect their entire lives.  That's a pretty sobering thought, and I realize I need to spend a lot more time thinking and praying about this issue. 

How do I shape my children into the ladies I want them to eventually be?  How do I deal with this temper in a way that prepares Addison for the future?  How do I stay sane during the next, oh, twenty years or so?  Should I start drinking now or wait until they're three and I really need it?  (Just kidding!)

What's the secret??

I don't have any answers, but there sure are a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head.  I want to raise these girls to be the amazing women I know they can be, and there's a huge challenge in that.  I am realizing more and more all the time just how daunting this task of parenting really is.  It's about far more than dirty diapers and laundry and sleeping through the night.  I am responsible for their LIVES, for better or worse, and that feels like a heavy load right now.